I went for a carvery and to the cinema with the girl I went out with last Friday (the sister of the lad I've been writing about) and took extra time to curl my hair ensuring I didn't accidentally place anything hot in my numb lap. At the cinema the car park was full so I had to park quite far away. At half 9 the lad text saying to let him know when I'm back. I got back at about 1am and he came down and we went to bed after a bit and messed about. It did get quite heated and even though I'm numb from the waist down I swear my pussy was pulsing, the nerves are stupid and don't know they're severed so I was getting quite frustrated as the feeling makes me want to feel something inside me which I can't. I didn't say anything, I'm not ready to take it further for a start! I can still feel that feeling now as I remember, argh!
Saturday 23 January 2010
Friday 22 January 2010
I've been texting that guy this week but to be honest the texts he sends give nothing away, no 'hello gorgeous', no kisses at the end, no clue whether he is going to (or wants to see me) and he only texts briefly. I didn't see him online last night and he didn't text today and come 7pm I caved and asked him 'where's my buddy?'. He replied that he would be seeing the lads upstairs later and would pop in. I didn't believe him as he said that 3 times the week before and didn't so I told him so.
At about half 9 he text asking what I'm up to so I said watching The Big Bang Theory and he text saying he was upstairs and did I want to go up. I said wait til 10 as I really enjoy The Big Bang Theory and come get me. I quickly put some make up on and he came and carried me upstairs at 10pm, carefully placing me on the sofa. He sat on the arm of the sofa for a while, putting his arm not around me but behind me, his hand resting on my shoulder. When he moved to have a smoke I rearranged my legs and was conscious of how skinny they look even with my tight jeans on. Well, they used to be tight, when I still had legs that worked.
After a few hours I felt my abdomen and it was a bit bloated so I knew it was time to use the toilet. He took me there and I struggled to get my jeans down and pee, even more so to pull my knickers and jeans back up. I moved from side to side holding onto the sink, radiator or windowsill til I was decent and called him to carry me back to the safety of the sofa.
When it was time to leave he carried me back, placed me in my chair which didn't have the brakes on and it was a little awkward til he leaned down and we kissed. He said he'll probably see me tomorrow (he's always upstairs with the lads I know). I saw him out, locked the door and told my housemate about the goings on of the evening.
At about half 9 he text asking what I'm up to so I said watching The Big Bang Theory and he text saying he was upstairs and did I want to go up. I said wait til 10 as I really enjoy The Big Bang Theory and come get me. I quickly put some make up on and he came and carried me upstairs at 10pm, carefully placing me on the sofa. He sat on the arm of the sofa for a while, putting his arm not around me but behind me, his hand resting on my shoulder. When he moved to have a smoke I rearranged my legs and was conscious of how skinny they look even with my tight jeans on. Well, they used to be tight, when I still had legs that worked.
After a few hours I felt my abdomen and it was a bit bloated so I knew it was time to use the toilet. He took me there and I struggled to get my jeans down and pee, even more so to pull my knickers and jeans back up. I moved from side to side holding onto the sink, radiator or windowsill til I was decent and called him to carry me back to the safety of the sofa.
When it was time to leave he carried me back, placed me in my chair which didn't have the brakes on and it was a little awkward til he leaned down and we kissed. He said he'll probably see me tomorrow (he's always upstairs with the lads I know). I saw him out, locked the door and told my housemate about the goings on of the evening.
Sunday 17 January 2010
Getting into something with someone on a bit more than friendship level doesn't half make me completely aware that I can't move my legs and am wheelchair dependent. I feel embarrassed getting into my chair and wheeling about as well as knowing full well I can't do as much in bed as I used to! It hasn't got that far, I'm not easy and I need to find inner peace again before I let anyone get closer to me but it is still in the corner of my mind that I'm not who I used to be.
He isn't a Dev (as far as I know lol!) and I do think negative thoughts about myself like the ones you hear when an AB and wheeler are out and they hear someone say 'wow she's gorgeous, I guess being in the chair makes her more on his level' because the AB guy isn't so good looking. It's not even about looks, I've had a long term relationship with someone who wouldn't be considered a looker but he was a brilliant man and I liked him, that's all that mattered. Sometimes I think 'wow is he so desperate he has to go with a disabled lady' and I don't mean that to offend anyone - I have my own issues here and don't really give a f*ck about anyone getting offended by my innermost thoughts and feelings!
I guess it's all a waiting game, I don't expect to be at a certain stage, putting names on things and pushing for things. I'm secure in myself in some ways, I'm just having difficulty with how others perceive me perhaps or more like how he sees me and why. Reading this back I think I'm definitely worrying over something so silly and I am enjoying it and need to sort my head out. I just can't switch my head off!
He isn't a Dev (as far as I know lol!) and I do think negative thoughts about myself like the ones you hear when an AB and wheeler are out and they hear someone say 'wow she's gorgeous, I guess being in the chair makes her more on his level' because the AB guy isn't so good looking. It's not even about looks, I've had a long term relationship with someone who wouldn't be considered a looker but he was a brilliant man and I liked him, that's all that mattered. Sometimes I think 'wow is he so desperate he has to go with a disabled lady' and I don't mean that to offend anyone - I have my own issues here and don't really give a f*ck about anyone getting offended by my innermost thoughts and feelings!
I guess it's all a waiting game, I don't expect to be at a certain stage, putting names on things and pushing for things. I'm secure in myself in some ways, I'm just having difficulty with how others perceive me perhaps or more like how he sees me and why. Reading this back I think I'm definitely worrying over something so silly and I am enjoying it and need to sort my head out. I just can't switch my head off!
Monday 11 January 2010
I was bored on Friday and knew they were all congregating in an apartment above mine so I grabbed some catheters and my keys, got outside and rang their buzzer. What I didn't bank on was getting stuck on the snow/ice and I was trying to wheel yet getting nowhere ha ha! Luckily one lad came down and pulled me in and carried me to the apartment upstairs.
The lads are fascinated by the chair, they all compete in it who can wheelie best and drive in one furthest and one managed to topple the chair even though I have the anti-tip bar!
I'm a naturally hyper, chatty person and I like to amuse myself and did just that and they were all so quiet that come 5am I was playing with the curtains and the lad who rescued me asked did I want to go home. I don't think I could've said yes faster! He came too and we chatted for a while and he fell asleep on the sofa under my super furry pink blanket and on a pink fluffy heart shaped pillow. I obviously took a picture of that and got it on the Internet! I went into my own bed and when I heard him wake up called him in to talk some more. When he left he said he'd probably be back later so I left the door unlocked and went to bed at 8pm as I didn't sleep much the night prior and woke at 3am, had dinner and came online for a bit then went back to bed.
At 6am I heard a noise and it was that lad steaming drunk. I called him into my room and he took his clothes off bar his pants which was just so funny, I didn't know what to think of that. He jumped in the bed and started having a good old natter, talking and laughing and one of the other lads soon came down too and was like a stand-up comedian in the room. I laughed so hard I hurt where I can't feel it!
The lads are fascinated by the chair, they all compete in it who can wheelie best and drive in one furthest and one managed to topple the chair even though I have the anti-tip bar!
I'm a naturally hyper, chatty person and I like to amuse myself and did just that and they were all so quiet that come 5am I was playing with the curtains and the lad who rescued me asked did I want to go home. I don't think I could've said yes faster! He came too and we chatted for a while and he fell asleep on the sofa under my super furry pink blanket and on a pink fluffy heart shaped pillow. I obviously took a picture of that and got it on the Internet! I went into my own bed and when I heard him wake up called him in to talk some more. When he left he said he'd probably be back later so I left the door unlocked and went to bed at 8pm as I didn't sleep much the night prior and woke at 3am, had dinner and came online for a bit then went back to bed.
At 6am I heard a noise and it was that lad steaming drunk. I called him into my room and he took his clothes off bar his pants which was just so funny, I didn't know what to think of that. He jumped in the bed and started having a good old natter, talking and laughing and one of the other lads soon came down too and was like a stand-up comedian in the room. I laughed so hard I hurt where I can't feel it!
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